What You Need to Know to Make it
Through Your Loved One's Military Deployment

by Sandy Doell

Why did you write this book?

I wrote this book so that other mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, extended family and friends of deployed soldiers would not have to do quite so much research as my friends and I did when our children were deployed in 2004. The book actually started with instructions on how to mail a package overseas. Then I added my list of suggested contents for those packages. The instructions got more detailed and the list got longer each time I e-mailed it to someone.

After the deployment was over, we all needed to debrief, decompress, talk about our feelings. At some point I just decided that I had gathered enough material and information to fill a book, so I started writing and organizing, and this is the result.

I also realized that much attention is paid to the military spouse and the children of servicemen and women, but that moms, dads, and other family members are simply thought of as an adjunct to that nuclear family. The general “military attitude” toward mothers is to give them plenty of respect and keep them in the dark because they worry too much. I wanted to speak to those moms and other family members and give them the information that it took me a year and a lot of curiosity and research to gather.

Who should read the book?

Mothers. Fathers. Brothers. Sisters. Cousins. Friends. Fiancees. Even wives and husbands of deployed troops. There’s something for everyone. Even if you don’t know any deployed soldiers or marines, you might learn something here that you’d like to know—something about the way news is disseminated in this country, something about the geography of a foreign land, something about how to find out what you need to know...

What will they learn?

Geography. Current events. The day-to-day reality of deployment from a soldier’s point of view.

How does your book compare with other advice to military family books out there? What’s different about it?

This book is unique in that it is for “the rest of us,” not just for wives and children, who need to find a social support system. The wives do need the support and attention of the rest of us, and I admire them for every moment they spend alone. They, however, have access to official military assistance with their living needs. Parents are left to figure out on their own how to assist their children in paying bills, maintaining property, and just day-to-day business. Parents of single soldiers get one very unsatisfactory phone call a month. The wives are also privy to an informal rumor mill that seldom extends to include other family members, especially the family of single soldiers.

My friends and I were left alone and in the dark, and when we looked for help all we found was a lot of advice for wives of deployed soldiers on how to find a plumber or what kinds of things to say to a husband when he called home from a war zone. Most of the available family advice for the military is about how to be a good military wife.

Luckily, we found each other, and as usual, there is strength in numbers. This was the best lesson I learned in 2004, and I want to share it with others who find themselves in similar circumstances today: Find others who are in your same shoes and bond with those people. Reach out to them.

What’s wrong with metallic ribbons and forwarded e-mails supporting the troops?

Nothing. But they need to be backed up by real action. I have received over and over the same e-mailed prayers and pictures and stories for a few years now, and although they are touching, we’ve all seen them now. Stop forwarding those things! I am making it my personal mission to never forward such an e-mail, especially when it comes with the threat attached “I’d better not see this deleted.” How silly is that? So hang yellow metallic ribbons on the back of your SUV if you want. I’d personally appreciate not getting any more inspirational e-mails of any kind, but that’s another story. Above all, though, please find a soldier’s family that’s in need of support. Express an interest. Offer to help. Do something “real” to support our troops. Actions speak louder than bumper stickers and ribbons.

What can the average citizen do to support the troops?

Go to www.booksforsoldiers.com. Find a soldier with a need. Fill that need. It’s pretty simple. And if you ask, that soldier will have buddies who need books, underarmor, shaving supplies, you name it. Make personal contact and start sending stuff to where it’s needed.

Go to www.pentagonfoundation.org/support/lackliteracy.html. Make a contribution or offer to assist in other ways. Predatory lending is a barely legal practice that is virtually aimed at the heroes who serve our country and don’t have the financial literacy to understand the trouble they are about to get into with these companies. If you live near a military base, go picket these places. They are a scourge upon the land.

Or just be alert for families in your own community who have loved ones deployed overseas and might need help with any number of things. You can donate frequent flyer miles to families of service members. There is much to be done to help these heroes and their families. Find your own unique way to help out.

Why should we support them?

We should support the troops no matter what our political affiliation or beliefs. We don’t all agree on the need for this war. We don’t all agree on how it’s being carried out. But one thing we can certainly agree on is that the men and women serving in the military today don’t have a choice about whether to go fight it or not. They pledged to defend their country and follow their leaders’ orders...they promised to give their lives for their country and that’s what they’re doing. The least we can do here is to send them some candy and a few CDs.

Is it possible to support the troops without supporting the war?

Just send the candy. Let the politics work itself out. Or, of you want to participate in politics, go ahead. Just don’t forget to support the soldier; he’s not the person you should be mad at.